I Can't Take that Horrible Noise Anymore!
by Azure Gryphon
Summary: When Ichigo's inner hollow starts driving Ichigo off the deep end, Zangetsu decides that a Zanpakuto's gotta do what a Zanpakuto's gotta do. The consequences however, were not something that he could have anticipated. Warning for: strongly implied slash.


Warnings for: strongly implied slash, objects used for sexual penetration and implied mpreg. Please, no flamers.

10/9/13

**I Can't Take that Horrible Noise Anymore!**

Ichigo's eye twitched and he longed to drown out that awful moaning. But he had found nothing that would work. Loud music couldn't, talking to other people couldn't (although it altered the things that the voice was moaning about), not earplugs nor running as fast as he could.

It was because the voice was coming from inside his head. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say it was coming from his soul. Really though, that sounded more delusional than saying it was in his head, although another shinigami might understand if he claimed it was his Zanpakuto. But it wasn't his Zanpakuto. It was his hollow.

It let out a particularly drawn out groan and then lay quietly panting. Thank god; it would be quiet for a little while now.

He leaned back at his desk. He had never really appreciated the quiet before now. He couldn't fathom why. Likely however it was because he'd never had to listen to a lusty hollow masturbate for several days straight before. It was awful. Ichigo was not attracted to the creature in the slightest and listening to it going on and on, day in and day out was incredibly annoying. And there was nothing he could do to get it to shut up.

* * *

The very first thing he had tried was going in there to fight his doppelganger. It had been disturbing that his pale reflection had been hard the entire fight. During a moment when they had locked blades it shifted in a way that he couldn't follow until it was pressing its prick up against him. It had taken his brain a few moments to register the fact that his hollow was attempting to rut against his side before he flung his awareness back out into the real world. He had fled. It was embarrassing but what else could he have done?

He shivered in disgust and horror.

His next step had been to deliberately attempt to manipulate his own emotions. Thanks to Zangetsu, he had learned that his emotions altered the weather in his soul. So first he tried to think of things that made him sad. Zangetsu had called out to him then. He concentrated and sent his mind inwards.

They stood together on the side of a skyscraper in the cold downpour, trying not to listen to the distant moans of a horny hollow.

Zangetsu repeated his question, "Ichigo, what is wrong?"

He relaxed and the sky lightened some. "I'm trying to give the hollow a cold shower. Somehow, I don't think it's having the effects that I'm looking for." A strange squeaking was coming from the hollow's direction in between moans.

Zangetsu looked towards the hollow and visibly twitched. "No, I don't think it is either."

"Do I want to know what it is doing?"

Zangetsu looked at him.

Slowly he walked over and looked for himself. He gaped for a moment. The hollow was using the rain as a lubricant- rubbing its prick against a window while shoving the hilt of his sword inside himself.

"Is he gay, old man?"

"It seems so."

* * *

He had an opportunity to manipulate his emotions a few days later.

This time he chose to try and increase how happy he was. It was a day that his father had taken off from work to spend time with his family at a park. Isshin had been chasing the girls around and Yuzu had managed to whack him, forcing him to stop. It was actually rather funny and he found himself smiling. The whole morning had been very relaxing as a couple of other shinigami were in town to give him a break.

On the way back home, he tried to tell some jokes. They were not very good ones but his sisters were both in a good enough mood to laugh for him.

Up in his room he took a moment to evaluate the hollow's sounds. They were unusually soft and quite. "Zangetsu." He called discretely.

"Ichigo?"

"What is going on with the hollow?" He heard Zangetsu sigh before a flap of fabric indicated his sword was moving.

"It appears the hollow is nearly asleep. He is continuing his normal activities but is not trying to rush himself."

"So, would you say that is a positive effect or not?"

"Positive. He is much quieter than he has been. I also enjoy this weather."

"Zangetsu…" Ichigo didn't really know what to say. He knew that he had control over the weather to some degree, exactly the same he had over his emotions. He also knew that the likelihood that his partner would be able to enjoy weather like this was fairly rare.

"It is alright, Ichigo. Today has been a rare day for all of us in the best of ways. Relax for now and do not worry."

* * *

A few days later he allowed his anger to overwhelm him.

It had been a very bad day. Early in the morning one of his instructors had called him out for cheating. While he had been able to convince the principle of his integrity the day had been spoiled. After school another group of students had stopped him, one that he had fought before.

They attempted to bait him and he had ignored them until a particularly daring boy tried to hit him from behind with his backpack. He felt his simmering anger overflow and let it. He rained righteous anger down on the group till several lay groaning on the ground and a couple had fled. He looked the last standing boy in the eyes. "Are you going to do anything?"

"No." The idiot was quivering in fear. He snorted and left.

"Zangetsu?"

"Do not do that again, Ichigo."

"What's going on?"

"The hollow has become particularly lusty. The storm caused me to slip when he tackled me and he molested me _vigorously_ before I escaped him."

"Erg, I feel sorry for you."

"Yes. Do not do this again."

"Hai."

* * *

Another couple days passed by and he was standing next to Zangetsu again on a skyscraper.

"I'm out of ideas, old man. I can't think of anything I can do to get him to shut up."

"Hmm."

"What?"

"Perhaps if you were to find someone to have intercourse with it might subdue his desires for a time."

"What! Why would that do anything?"

"His instinctive nature ensures that he is affected strongly by your desires, especially the suppressed ones."

"You have a point. Still, sex seems unlikely right now."

"You are surrounded by lovely women."

"True but there are problems with each.

Orihime is very beautiful but she would not be a no-strings attached kind of partner. Actually none of them would be, but her especially. She cares too much for me and while she makes a good friend I don't think I could stand her imagination around me all the time.

Tatsuki would never work because it would hurt Orihime.

I'm pretty sure that Rukia is not really attracted to me plus she comes with Renji who is attracted to her and Bayakua who would have my balls if she were interested and had sex with me.

I can't even fathom Nel being interested nor could I say what her attitude towards sex is.

And Yoruichi is mostly a flirt, I think. If she was interested, I'd probably end up just another notch on her belt."

"You want someone strong enough to stand beside you as an equal, not someone who will depend on you to make them happy."

Ichigo nods. "Yah, so right now my prospects are not good. Got any other ideas?"

Zangetsu shifts and the edges of his cloak become more active whipping in wind that Ichigo does not feel. Zangetsu is thankful his shinigami dies not notice his unease. He does have an idea but is not particularly sure how or even if he wants to bring it up.

Ichigo is thinking. He's pretty sure that sex is the only thing that can shut up the hollow. He wonders about female hollows for a second but he is not interested in letting the hollow have control of his body in order to have sex. He certainly wasn't going to ask his female friends for assistance and he wasn't interested in asking for advice on this from Isshin or Urahara either.

So, he or Zangetsu would have to have sex with the hollow in order to get it to shut up. He is stunned for a moment by this conclusion.

"Zangetsu, umm." He pauses, how was he going to ask Zangetsu if he was gay or willing to have sex with the hollow?

Zangetsu does not interrupt the teenager's thoughts. His master would get there when he got there and he was not going to be the one to offer that idea. Especially since the hollow was made from a portion of Ichigo's soul and only he had the right to decide if and who was going to have sex with it.

Ichigo cannot figure out a tactful way to say it and decides to forge ahead anyway. It's not like Zangetsu would think less of him for something as ridiculous as this.

"Zangetsu, would you be willing to fuck the hollow?"

Zangetsu winced inwardly. That was even blunter than he was expecting. His silence made Ichigo nervous.

"I think the only way to get the hollow to shut up is to give it what it wants…" Left unsaid but not unnoticed was '…and I really don't want to be the one to do it.'

"In the interests of getting the hollow to stop being so loud I see no other option." He pauses, wondering if his master recalls a rather vital portion of information. If so, it might almost be flattering, aside from the fact there was simply no one else available. Yet perhaps, even considering that, it still meant that his master trusted him over anyone else.

"You do understand however, that the hollow is a part of your soul?"

Ichigo shivered. "I remember."

"Very well then, Ichigo. Tonight I shall proceed to quiet the hollow."

Ichigo flushed in embarrassment. "Thanks, Zangetsu." He fled his inner world in favor of homework.

* * *

_Three months later…_

Ichigo stretches after freeing himself from his body. He'd been feeling odd lately- a little bit like he had felt while wearing a reiryoku suppressor during training- stuffed and slow.

Huh, was his hakama tighter than usual?

"Kon." The artificial soul in his body turned. His body didn't look like it had gained any weight.

"Yah?" The mod soul stops suddenly and stares. "You're getting fat!"

Ichigo presses a hand against his abdomen. It remained firm under his pressing. "It doesn't feel like fat… And how would my soul get fat if my body wasn't?"

The mod soul snorts, "How would I know, fatty?"

* * *

He goes to Isshin. "Old man, something's going on and I was wondering if you had any ideas."

"Masaki, our beautiful son is coming to me with his problems. Isn't it wonderful that he trusts me again?" Isshin wails happily to his wife's portrait.

Ichigo snarls and whacks him with the wrapped Zangetsu. "Idiot, I am serious."

"Ah, Ichigo," He sniffs while clutching his head, "What seems to be the problem?"

"Somehow my soul form has put on weight that my body isn't showing."

"Huh. I don't think I've ever heard of that before. You haven't been eating anything strange or while out of your body, have you?"

"Not that I can recall."

"We're going to have to go to Urahara's; he has equipment that is effective on souls there."

* * *

_At Urahara's Shoten_:

"**What**!"

"Masaki! I am going to be a grandfather! Why hasn't Ichigo introduced me to my future son-in-law?"

Ichigo flees the shop and returns to the house. Clearly, he needs to have a word with Zangetsu.

* * *

_Inside Ichigo's soul:_

"**Zan- Get- Su**!" A furious shout is heard over the crash of thunder and roaring winds.

The hollow yawns contentedly from where it lays naked on a skyscraper observing the fight. Oddly enough, it doesn't feel like fighting right now. Perhaps it is due to the offspring that rests inside its visibly distended abdomen.

Zangetsu, on the other hand, is far from peace as he flees the enraged, pregnant Ichigo who appears intent on castrating his sword's humanoid form with the sword's own blade.

* * *

_Author's note:_

_So, what do you think? It's meant to be rather cracky and I have ignored the fact that evidentially the old man is no longer Ichigo's Zanpakuto but I have not kept up with the show or manga for some time, I'm afraid. I also realize they must be horribly out of character, but… Really the same reason why. I hope you have enjoyed it. :) I don't know when I am going to up dating my stories as I am a little stuck and have midterms coming up but I will try to have a chapter up on at lest one within the next month._

_Also, I'm iffy on the title. Any ideas?_


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